Be in Peace

As I continue to read through Manning's Ragamuffin Gospel, I can't help but find myself in a new, profound place in my relationship with God. As Manning asserts, the true nature of the gospel is forgiveness then repentance instead of the commonly accepted repentance and then forgiveness. While I have always understood that Jesus came for the broken - interceding for the adulterous woman, sharing meals with sinners - I have never owned the fact that Christ wants to walk beside me in the most shameful moments of my life.

While I am not necessarily making the best decisions in my life all the time, I am strangely at peace, understanding that for the first time, I am actually engaging God in this struggle. I'm not simply living a Christian life, then pushing God away while I sin. I'm bringing God into the entire picture of who I am.

Like Manning, I have recently become even more repulsed by the "Christianese" in our society. I am so grateful for well-meaning people that want to live upright lives. But Gandhi's haunting words, "I like your Christ but I don't like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christians," ring clear with so many Christians that are so determined to live by the rules that they miss the point. They build walls up so they never confront the hardest parts of their lives, allowing damp, moist darkness to grow the once small problem into huge infections that eventually erode the wall, doing so much damage than the original issue.

Jimmy Needham, in his album Not Without Love, states:

I tried Lord
I tried Lord
I tried hard to be Your good little boy
Chin up, head high
All zeal and no joy
Thinking all my good deeds could please Jesus
Boy, was I wrong
Though I knew the right songs, all my cymbals and gongs played the melodies wrong
And it wasn’t long ‘til I saw my disease
A life spent wanting to please
On hands and knees
To make right, to appease
God help me please
This can’t be Christianity, it can’t be
The whole thing’s like insanity

I guess the reason that I am writing all this is to let you all know that I am in peace, and I'm so grateful for that. While I am certain that the experimentation, the porn star heartbreak, the cavalier and irresponsible sexual activity were all damaging to myself and hurtful to the Lord, I can't help but say that I'm now glad that these experiences have brought me to the place where I have a fuller understanding of my eternal need of His lasting grace. While I was once the person that Jimmy Needham describes - someone who thought that all the right actions could actually make up for my sin - I am now realizing more and more that the Lord wants to be a part of my hurt; he wants to walk beside me as I am stumbling, not just when I am standing tall. He wants to intimately engage me in the most proud and the most shameful parts of my life. He wants all of me.

Grateful for Grace

Recently I've been reading Brennan Manning's The Ragamuffin Gospel. I have been struck by Manning's insight within these pages. He cries out for Christians to wake up and remember what Christianity is all about. Instead of being confined to laws of religiosity and "Christianese," Manning pleas for Christ-followers to remember what the true call of Christ's life was - the irrevocable grace extended on the cross.

As I am wrestling with issues within my life, most prominently my SSA, I can't help but be absolutely astonished by the raw power of this quote in Manning's book:

“To be alive is to be broken. And to be broken is to stand in need of grace. Honesty keeps us in touch with our neediness and the truth that we are saved sinners. There is a beautiful transparency to honest disciples who never wear a false face and do not pretend to be anything but who they are.”

Frustrated

In the midst of a struggle of sexual temptations of the present, the most frustrating aspect of dealing with same-sex attractions is the daunting question of the future. Nothing in my life makes me want to pull my hair out more than this frustrating, disheartening, and utterly endless issue.

Two girls called and professed their undying, passionate feelings for me tonight. One was a friend that I have never felt anything for. The other - a driven, compassionate, big-picture thinking, pageant beauty - is someone that I felt like I could have feelings for. But as both of them confessed to me their feelings, I couldn't help but weep inside. Not only does the thought of being emotionally intimate with a woman do nothing for me, but I am finding that my sexual attraction toward women continues to dwindle. What was once an attraction like all (or at least a majority) of young boys has now turned into a vacuum with only attractions toward men.

What am I to do? An eligible bachelor who has a secure job and how is a 'good' Christian man, I am expected by many to take a serious look at settling down. Not only does my personality not want to settle down - desiring a job that travels, wanting to move all over the world, wanting to not being tied to anything - my desire to be with a woman is continuing to shrink.

Yes, I want to marry. But, is that simply to fulfill cultural expectations?
Yes, I want a family. But what does a 'family' look like? Is it confined only to marriage with biological children?
Yes, I want intimacy and a companion. But what does that look like for someone who is unable to truly give a woman what she deserves.

Like I said in my last post, I refuse to, for the sake of being 'normal', deprive a woman of the true love that she is entitled. Not only would I be miserable living a 'lie,' but I would also be actively contributing to someone else's pain, not being able to provide the relationship needed in a marriage.

So frustrating, as I am beginning to feel the desire of intimacy with another man. It's disgusting to think about, but at the same time seems so natural. What does that mean? I have always dismissed the question by gay proponents, "If it's love, then how could it be bad." Of course, feeling good about anything that is unhealthy seems good at the onset but is completely wrong. I have always felt like feeling a well-intentioned, misguided (natural desire for a deep connection, but inappropriate manifestation into eroticism) attraction to men was similar to other personal disorders, etc........a completely legitimate need coming to fruition in a very unhealthy and skewed way.

But I am now finding myself thinking about - not embracing - intimacy with another man and how God plays into that. I am exploring what I truly think, not just the standard line used by churches. What does God really say about these things? I think the Bible is clear. But how does that reconcile with the most intimate parts of my being?

I wonder if there is any struggle that penetrates so deeply into the human soul. To be in constant, volatile turmoil in the innermost parts of a person is fatiguing. It is tiring, which is why I think many people give in eventually to their ssa. Unfortunately that also comes with people walking away from their faith. I'd like to think that no matter what, I understand the Lord's faithfulness and intentional action in my life over the course of my 21 years on this planet. I'd like to think that I'd never forget how good he has been to me.

The Present: Exploring and Embracing Contentment

It's been a little while since I last updated, so I just wanted to assure everyone that I am still around. Unlike the last time that I paused my blogging, I am not falling into experimentation and sin. I have, actually, been preoccupied with settling into my apartment and hanging out with friends and new friends.

As I am embarking on this new, post-undergraduate life, I am trying everyday to seek the Lord's contentment, peace, and joy. To be grateful for where I am and to serve him in the present is my greatest goal. In his book God's Will as a Way of Life, Jerry Sittser talks about God's will and how Christians can become so obsessed with finding what the Lord wants for our life and future that we forget about the present. Jerry's words are a challenge for Christians, as he asserts that the gospels call Christ-followers to do the Lord's will (justice, mercy, compassion) in the present, and the future will take care of itself.

These things are easier said than done for a planner like myself. Not only am I a ceaseless planner for my professional career - law school, MBA, State Department, international economics - I also find myself meditating on what I would ideally see my personal life looking life. Will I ever feel for a woman the way that I felt (for the first time) for my porn-star -mistake? Am I to be married or celibate? What does my future look like? These are daunting questions for a member of the conservative Christian community.

I want to marry, but I struggle with wondering if that is simply to fit into the culture. The pressure to marry intensifies around this time of my life, and there are plenty of beautiful and Christ-like women that are surrounding me. In all reality, I am perfectly content being single at this point. But, yet I wonder what the future holds. While at one time in my life I remember being solely attracted to women, I struggle to have a lasting desire at this point in my life. I am determined not to live a lie, not only for myself, but more importantly, for my possible wife. To deprive her of a husband that is truly captivated by her would be completely unjust.

The reality is that I can't see the future; I can't dictate all of these things. And that is why, I believe, we are called to focus on Christ. To allow His peace and joy to overwhelm us in the present so that we do not become overcome by the intimidating future. And just like anyone - which is typically everyone - that is questioning the future, we are called to turn our eyes upon Jesus.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

[Get up]

My dad always told me that the difference between a boy and a man is not whether you fall, but if you get back up. Everyone falls throughout life, he said, but its whether you get back up and dust yourself off that determines your strength as a man. As I've journeyed through life, I have only grown in respect for my father's wisdom. He is a man of true insight, and his thoughts on the maturity of manhood are applicable, I think, to my very situation.

For me, this weekend was when I realized that it's time to get up. Recently, I've been so battered by bad situations, from illicit and irresponsible relationships with random people to my Chippendale fling. Over the course of the past year, I have acted out in my sexual frustration and confusion behind the facade of a perfect young Christian. This experimentation was periodic, but often the product of my sentiment that my faith had "kept me in a box" where I couldn't experience everything I needed to in order to develop. This, of course, is a lie that I bought into. Experimentation only led to more grief, frustration, and confusion.

But I can't say that I entirely regret what I have done, because the reality is that it forced me to actually begin dealing with my issue. Prior to "acting out," it was easy to push my ssa to the side and not think about it. What I have done has forced me to actively confront what is going on in my mind, my heart, my body. I'm grateful for this positive consequence, although completely recognizing that this does not justify my actions.

Anyways, the purpose of this particular blog is that I woke up this morning, made myself a cup of coffee, and while observing the downtown activity my loft apartment overlooks, I invited God into the process of this reconciliation for the first time in a while. Life as a Christian can be tiered process. I have never forsaken my faith in Him, but it has been some time since I have asked him to be a part of the process of really working through my ssa. I'm not sure what made me truly want to grab my struggle by "the reins" this weekend, but I think I am realizing more and more that life is passing me by and I can no longer throw out the excuse that "I'm in college and I'll live for the moment and figure it out later." I'm not in college, I'm growing older, and putting this off any longer won't benefit me at all.

It's time to get up. It's time to remember who I am and take a stand for who I want to be. Although I have been living a Christ-following life, Christ has not been active in my struggle as someone who is attracted to the same sex for some time.

My question for anyone out there that is reading this is:

• What should be the next step? I have read some books, had some counseling, confided in meaningful mentors. What is an action plan for me to be truly confronting this? I want to be equipped instead of saying, "I'm going to deal with this," and then not actually do anything. Your comments and suggestions are appreciated!

Time to get off to the office. It's another week, and I'm grateful to be employed with a secure job and a consistent income! Among health and good friends/family, this is just one more thing I can be thankful for. I leave you with a song I recently heard in a wedding I stood up in. The lyrics are beautiful, as they can apply both to a love between man and woman, but also from God to humanity. The song is "I Will Not Take My Love Away" by Matt Wertz. Take the time read these and, if you have the time, reflect on them. At this point, the second stanza is what truly hits and means the most to me. The idea that the Lord is constantly by us, offering His glorious and sustaining hand, even when we wander, brings me to my knees.

"I will not take my love away
When praises cease and seasons change
while the whole world turns the other way
I will not take my love away

I will not leave you all alone
When striving leads you far from home
And there's no yield for what you've sown
I will not leave you all alone

I will give you what you need
In plenty or in poverty
Forever, always, look to me
And I will give you what you need

I will not take my love away"

He is Good, Life is Good

I find that it is far too often that I get so caught up in my personal drama, my stumbling confusion, my insistence in knowing the future, that I forget that I'm alive. That life, in it's very core, is so good, and such a blessing. I don't necessarily admire John Mayer, but I think that he has it right in his song "The Heart of Life" when he states,

"Pain throws your heart to the ground

(Love turns the whole things around)

No it won't all go the way it should

But I know the heart of life is good"

The past month has been pretty tough for me. With life transitions from college to the workforce, living in a location that is somewhat remote to everyone that means a lot to me, I have struggled. My struggle to reconcile my same-gender attractions only amplifies the confusion and frustration.

It's a beautiful thing, surrendering to the Lord. Submission to Him in response to His act of mercy, grace, and unconditional love in sending Christ to the cross. In the past few days, I have found myself restored and hopeful in the future. Yes, it will be a journey. But, I realize that pursuit of selfish interests and the temporary fantasies are fruitless. Something that I temporarily bought into was the rat race to glamor that my friend was pursuing. Yet, I see (and weep) for people that are so caught up in attaining something, attaining someone, that they miss the joy in the present. The obsession to be happy through things or relationships feeds the insatiable desire for love and contentment that only a relationship with the Lord can fulfill.

I don't know what is ahead in my future. I'm sure that there are more lonely evenings alone in my apartment. I'm also sure that there are future personal failings involved in the future as well. Yet, I can't think of a life that is more beautiful and rewarding than one walking with Christ. While I do not feel especially close to the Lord because I have been running from Him, I know that as I grow closer, I will only feel more astounded by both his unfathomable power and his intimate interest in me.

Rend

I recently downloaded Jimmy Needham's newest album to listen to in the office. One of the songs has struck me in the past few weeks. The song "Rend" has to be arguably most beautiful songs I've ever heard, both in melody and in lyrics.

You’ve been tarnished
And you’ve been stained
And all the varnish you’ve used to cover up with is peeling away


Yet even now, return to me with nothing less
Than your wounded, broken heart
And cling to Me, your gracious King
Be shattered glass of empty jars and rend
Rend, rend, rend
Rend your hearts

You’ve been tarnished
And you’ve been stained
And all the varnish you’ve used to cover up with is peeling away

Yet even now, return to me with nothing less
Than your wounded, broken heart
And cling to Me, your gracious King
Be shattered glass of empty jars and rend
Rend, rend, rend
Rend your hearts

I don’t need a grand display
Show me that your heart has changed
I don’t need a show
Only just to know your own heart breaks

Yet even now, return to me with nothing less
Than your wounded, broken heart
And cling to Me, your gracious King
Be shattered glass of empty jars and rend
Rend, rend, rend
Rend your hearts

This life is a trip. I find that my personal "trip" is so ironic that I could be in a movie. I am broken, humbled, and confused. At this point of life, during my first major life transition post-college, I am struggling to adjust to a new living location, a new position, and reconciling whether or not I am where I am supposed to be in life. Wrestling with God's providence - whether or not I placed myself in this position or if He has ordained this for years. How much control did I have in putting myself in this place? And beyond the immense life changes of new apartment, new furniture, new landlord, new community, new church, new job lies the personal turmoil that almost no one knows about.

I am finding that my moods are volatile, my ability to be a dedicated and patient friend is limited. Some days I feel like I can conquer the world, others I feel like all I can do is shrink away.

I am truly what Jimmy Needham calls "shattered glass of empty jars." In the midst of all the storms, all the chaos, all the turbulence in my life...there is a rock. Throughout Psalms, David writes that we can take shelter under God's wings, which are like those of an eagle. For years this has been an illustration that I have clung to, and I find myself once again running for the cover of my invincible provider.